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We’ve separated, but there's no progress


It is quite common for our clients to initially come to us with a view that they are ‘stuck’, and it often takes one of the following forms:

  • They are separated and no longer living together, but haven’t managed to properly sort out a way forward on the finances, or the children

  • They know there is no future any more as a couple and have separated in 'their minds’ but are still co-existing in the same house; (either just tolerably or unbearably)

  • It might also look as though one partner is further ahead than the other one, and they are waiting for them to ‘see the reality’ and get on the same page as the other partner. But, they seem to have been waiting for a while…

In any of those situations, or others like it, the way forward doesn’t look or feel obvious or possible, (otherwise there would be action). If we were to generalise the reasons why into three areas:

Lack of clarity – you can’t see an obvious next step with regards to a new form of living arrangements or finance settlement.

Looks hard - you know what needs to happen, but it looks and feels painful and difficult.

Waiting for them - You know what you want but your partner won’t agree, or doesn’t seem to understand, and you can’t find a way to get them to listen.

As you probably know, it is quite normal in separation to hit these blocks. However, you may not realise, it doesn’t have to be as hard as you think to unblock yourself. So, there is hope! Read on....

'How is there hope, I've been trying!'

We are going to come at this from a different perspective, and this is not a mere optimistic rose-tinted glasses view of the world.

Getting a degree resolution, settlement or closure is helpful and probably better than where you are now, but we are pointing to something much more powerful and sustainable.

This is not about having new thinking about your situation, this is about seeing the entire thing differently.

Firstly, and crucially, we need to look to the role our minds are playing in this and not to the external world of circumstances and other people. Now, at one level you will have noticed how ‘hopeless’ to ‘hopeful ' the situation looks, can and does change.

The extent to which it looks like it is overwhelming, all encompassing and difficult, changes from day to day, if not moment to moment. So, at one level you know you can see it differently, even in glimpses. So let’s take this fact (that it changes) and really understand the mechanics of the mind.

Let’s recognise that the in the moment that it looks doable, this isn't isn’t a fluke, or wishful thinking.

HUMAN TRUTH: However ‘real’ our world and situation looks and feels, the experience you are having and the feeling it gives, are not ‘true’

You might think that is ridiculous statement. As there is truth in what you are experiencing (he/she has left me, I have little money, I don’t get to see the kids etc). But let’s not get caught up in the words ‘true' and ‘real’, instead look to what is behind them, and what we are pointing to.

The reason for that human truth that our world and experience looks and feels real but is not true is because of how our minds function. Regardless to who we are, and what is going on for us, a human truth is:

‘ We create our entire experience of the world from inside our minds’ - the system works like a projector. A very real and vivid feeling projector. ‘

So what?

It means that what you feel, and your sense of psychological freedom and resourcefulness is not determined by what the projector is creating as your reality in any moment.

How do you know that to be the case?

Well test it right now. Explore this for yourself.

  • How come the same thing can feel different in different moments?

  • How come the same thing can look so different to different people (you and your partner for example)?

  • How come you have situations in the past that have looked difficult and horrible, and then they aren’t now as you see it differently?

Remember: This is not about having new thinking about your situation, this is about seeing the entire thing differently.

This is about how the mind creates the entirety of our experience from inside, it is more than just our mind interprets what is out there, as there is no out there without the mind creating it in the first place. This is why we can dream, and it feel very real. The ‘out there’ is not constant, i.e. we can lose our keys and then find them in the same place we looked…

So, how about the following…even if it might sound like an ideal, and even unrealistic place to get to right now…

  1. You get a new level of clarity and obviousness about what to do next

  2. The challenge and pain of taking those next steps dissolves, looks doable and even a relief

  3. You realise that your partner's perspective (however different to yours and stuck) is not what is in the way, and has no causal power over your feelings or world view

Great, so now what?

It all comes back to where we started, your insightful understanding of how the mind works. That is what we, at Separation Simplified can help you with, to enable you to see insightfully, for yourself that 1. to 3. above – are accessible.

If something has resonated in what you have read here, drop us a line and we can show you a little more of what we do.

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